he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
