I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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