ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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