Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
