...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
