The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
