just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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