Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
