I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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