We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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