I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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