I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
