did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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