it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
