guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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