There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
