Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
