I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
