so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
