Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
