What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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