so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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