Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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