You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
