my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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