I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
be right there i have to get my cape
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
