Porn is love you can see.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
