Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
