did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize