Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How does one acquire holy water?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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