Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
