My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
