At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
