Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
