How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
