i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Randomize
