WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
