I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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