Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
