i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Dicks are not precious.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
