I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
