You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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