Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
