If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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