Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
