Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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