If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
