I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
