dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
