1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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