actually, I'm a sock model
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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