I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
