the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
