have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
