I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
