I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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