I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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