First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
