I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
